I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
❤️❤️❤️
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?