A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer