Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
🤣🤣
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Lube but for my dry humor.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
*puts words between two asterisks*
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed