Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
You Might Also Like
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Get in loser we’re going crying
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down