You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Jesus Christ lmao
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.