ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.