Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
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It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
One of the best
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming