Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I think I’ll stand
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography