Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.