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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere