My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.