I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Am I having a stroke?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
my first dose meeting my second
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?