In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
You Might Also Like
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.