I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc