My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
my dad has had enough
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My boss called in sick of me
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]