High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If looks could kill
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad