Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.