I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.