I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My background check bounced.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important