Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole