its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
You Might Also Like
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
new shirt idea