Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?