[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The Compass
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.