*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.