me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
#catsoftwitter
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
the icebreaker
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.