HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Body by sandwich.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I can also cook 😂
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.