kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Denise please return my vape pen
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”