When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Oh we’ve met.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎