I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
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If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.