I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
This is a bad sign
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it