Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies