“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Tastes like chicken.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.