Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Is this a threat?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
a public service announcement
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”