*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
the three branches of government
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.