Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
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When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
#SuperBowl
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking