Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad