Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’