Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”