Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Potatoes were such a good idea
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”