Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I don’t get marriage
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.