Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”