*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles