Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?