How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?