If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to