The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”