I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
You Might Also Like
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson