Never let them know your next move 馃槀
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 馃拃馃拃
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Kids won鈥檛 remember they have homework but they鈥檒l remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn鈥檛 paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don鈥檛 forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that鈥檚 when i realized that maybe religion wasn鈥檛 the right thing for me.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
6 yo student: It鈥檚 hot. Why didn鈥檛 you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can鈥檛 wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you鈥檇 show all your mosquito bites?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door鈥檚 always open.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
馃き馃槀
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.