Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what