[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Why soy sad?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Weighing up my bread heating options
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
estão todos miauvindo?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.